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Required Reading. McSweeney’s is so frequently spot on with their content, and this piece is no exception. I cannot quite explain how accurate I find this article. And I so enjoy the names for the various panic attacks. Broti Gupta’s “My Panic Attacks: A Performance Review“.

WORK PRODUCT

In Q1, Broti’s panic attacks were timely, well-organized, and produced outstanding work, including Making Broti Cry During a Charmin Commercial and Broti Asking a FedEx Employee If He Was Mad at Her. After Zoloft was brought on there were a few bumps in the road (Broti Breathes Deeply and Counts to Ten, and Broti Chooses Not to Eat the Cheez-Its She Found in Bed), but recently the drug has been taken less responsibility, and we are confident that her panic attacks will return to their previous glory.

DEPENDABILITY

Broti’s panic attacks’ record of reliability is second to none. They often work overtime on emergency projects like, Broti Has Not Received a Response to Her Hilarious Email and It Has Been Forty-Five Minutes, and All of Broti’s Sweaters Make Her Look Like a Turtle, and Broti’s Mom Just Texted: ‘Call me. Now.’

LEADERSHIP

As a team leader, Broti’s panic attacks take on a lot of responsibility. They work very well with their colleagues (Heart, Stomach, and Sweat Glands) on key independent projects (Vomiting, Dizziness, and Straight-Up Blood Curdling Fear.) Rarely has an employee ever felt ignored by Broti’s panic attacks; their steady attention to detail and shitstorms inspires everyone else to be at the top of their games.

[…KEEP READING…]