Butterflies

The thing is, the longer I spend here — 3.5 years of the PhD and counting — the longer I spend here the more I think that I would rather be the one creating the things than the one analyzing the things.

***

Setting: undergraduate class
My favourite professor says, “Trying too hard to find a hidden meaning in a poem is like plucking the wings off a butterfly.”
The image never leaves me.
Almost 7 years later I wonder about how many butterflies I have killed and what all the death was for.

***

The thing is, the longer I spend here — 3.5 years of the PhD and counting, 2 years of the Master’s — the longer I spend here the more I think that I would rather be the one creating the things than the one analyzing the things.

***

Setting: elementary school classroom
The teacher asks us to draw a picture of us being whatever it is we want to be when we grow up.
I never answer the question.
Almost 20 years later I couldn’t complete the same assignment even though I am technically grown.

***

The thing is, the longer I spend here — 3.5 years of the PhD and counting, 2 years of the Master’s, 4 years of the Bachelor’s — the longer I spend here the more I think that I would rather be the one creating the things than the one analyzing the things.

***

Setting: conservatory gardens
Someone asks, “What is wrong with you? Are you afraid of butterflies?”
I stand as still as possible.
Almost 9 years later I can’t remember if I was scared to hurt them or if I was waiting for them to come to me.

***

The thing is, the longer I spend here the more I want to stop killing butterflies.

Reading Watching Listening

Reading…

Theory. Endless amounts of theory. But also this: Stephanie Bolster’s “Long Exposure“. I’m writing about it for the dissertation, which is why I am re-reading it now as I’m (hopelessly, inchingly, painfully) attempting to finish the proposal. But it’s good. It’s one of the texts in my dissertation that I’m almost scared to write about because I so don’t want to destroy it.

 

Watching…

Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life. Obviously.

 

Listening…

Hamilton Mixtape. Hamilton. Mixtape. All day every day. Especially Sia’s version of “Satisfied” because DAMN it is good.